Film Reviews

House of Wax

• Rating:
• Director:
• Starring: Brian Van Holt
• Details: US / 105 mins (15s).

Some do's and don'ts for all you teenagers out there, should you ever find yourself forced to camp out in the boondocks late at night: DON'T.

But if you, like, really, really must, then:
DON'T pick a campsite adjacent to a roadkill pit.
DON'T squabble petulantly amongst yourselves.
DON'T antagonise the redneck locals.
DON'T split up into groups at the first opportunity.
DON'T accept lifts from slack-jawed yokels.
DON'T wander aimlessly through towns that appear to have been abandoned for no good reason.
DON'T make out like bandits in your tent, especially if you look a bit like that famished blonde tart off the TV who's famous for doing rude stuff on the internet.
DON'T let some no-talent Spanish dude with a CV in TV ads and music promos point a camera at you.
DON'T DO the very things you've seen a thousand other dopey Shagg 'n' Scoob teenagers do in a thousand other dopey Shagg 'n' Scoob teenage movies.
DON'T expect any sympathy if you somehow manage to find yourself at the mercy of two psychopathic brothers who like to make stuff from wax.
DO subject yourself to an all-over body waxing, including full Brazilian, as it will prove only slightly less painful that sitting through the excruciating 105 minutes of House of Wax.

Review by Declan Burke