Film Reviews

Colombiana

• Rating:
• Director: Olivier Megaton
• Starring: Callum Blue
• Details: US / 83 Mins (15A)

"There's a formula to it, a very simple formula." You may ask yourself why i'm quoting Randy from Scream in a review for a film that bears not even the slightest resemblance to the genre classic, but that fictitious, Nostradamus rivalling film geek hit the nail on the head for the future career of Luc Beeson. Along with a couple of regular contributors, he's turned into a low-grade action studio - never directing but scripting and producing familiar feeling flicks predominately built around revenge. It worked for Taken, but it hasn't worked since and Colombiana is another pointless, familiar effort.
Avatar's ass-kicking giant blue chick, Zoe Saldana is a young woman who had her mother and father killed by a criminal gang in their native Bogota. Making her way to America as a young girl, she meets her Uncle who trains her to be an assassin. Soon, the opportunity to avenge the death of her parents arises, so she stops humping Michael Vartan's artist and sets about handing some henchmen their arses.
Colombiana is the kind of film that opens in a different country and has everyone speaking English until they're upset about something and spout off in their native tongue. A scene like that tells you a lot about this film from the start. Firstly, the filmmakers were either too lazy to include subtitles, or thought it would put off the audience - either way their shamelessly pandering to the action crowd or didn't care enough about the script. It's an excuse for bullets and mayhem which it promises, but never really delivers.
On the plus side Saldana looks every part the action star and actually makes a snug lycra onesie look practical. This was obviously meant to be a new take on Besson's Nikita, but the film never gels and the script is far too by the numbers for any character other than Saldana's to really register. The underrated Vartan might as well be a battery operated mannequin such is his relevance.
The action is disappointing, the execution average and the plot all too familiar. Saldana does her best, but this never really entertains the way it should.

Review by Mike Sheridan